Q: What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?  A: The caterer.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?  A: Lipstick.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?  A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50  A: Senator.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?  A: Accountants know they're boring.
Q: What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?  A: A jury.
Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?  A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?  A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?  A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?  A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?  A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?  A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?  A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?  A: She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?  A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?  A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?  A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What are lawyers good for?  A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?  A: They're both extinct.
Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?  A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?  A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad. A: Senator.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? A: Taller
Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? A: The pronunciation.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?  A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?  A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?  A: To practice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?  A: The tick falls off when you are dead.
Q: Know how copper wire was invented? A: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: Their lips are moving.
Q: Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?  A: New Jersey got to pick first.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach?  A: Cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?  A: A good start!
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?  A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?  A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?  A: Not enough sand.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?  A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? A: The bucket.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?  A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?  A: From chasing parked ambulances.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?  A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?  A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: Why to lawyers wear neckties?  A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?  A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?  A: The caterer.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?  A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?  A: A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
Lawyers occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.  - Winston Churchill
I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney. - Samuel Johnson (1709-84), English author, lexicographer.
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"   "But why?" asks the man.  "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. After consultation, he notes the bill will be $100. She gives him a crisp $100 dollar bill and leaves. Sitting back, the lawyer gives the bill a flick and notices that the bill was so new and crisp it had another $100 dollar bill stuck to it. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner?
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
